"Dan? You awake?" a voice called from the other side of my bedroom door.
My eyes fluttered open as I took a moment to realize where I was. I was in my bedroom, the curtains opened and the sun glaring in my eyes. A bit annoyed, I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes. I turned and stood up, stretching my arms out the farthest they can go when I realized my wrists were exposed.
I've been cutting myself for a while now and all of this time, I've never seen Phil ask me about it or even check to see if I was okay. I did it out of anger, sorrow, and defeat. Dispirited, I thought about that fact that I had a huge crush on Phil. No, I didn't just like him. I loved him.
He's the sweetest person you'd ever meet. His bright blue eyes are addicting to look into, drawing you closer until you realize you have to leave the room to keep that moment from getting too awkward. I knew he'd never love me back, his striking appearance will never even begin to love my horrible figure. We played video games together, went into town and had lunch together, made videos together, and even talked about deep emotional thoughts together. But the only problem is….none of this was out of love. He was my friend.
Just my friend.
And it was never going to change.
Whilst thinking about life, I heard another quiet, hesitant knock on the door.
"It's about 12:30. I-I…just wanted to see if you were okay," said that familiar voice again.
It was Phil. That sweet, adorable bastard that had me glued to my thoughts everyday. His cute, distinct British accent and adorable stuttering caught me off guard and I realized I was swooning over him. I snapped back into reality and forced myself to act normal.
"I-I'm up…" Damn it. Stuttering has become a habit with me lately. My voice would crack and I'd get nervous whenever Phil talked to me. He never seemed to ask what was wrong, so I decided to let it be. He's too cute to put any pressure on. I hated myself for thinking that.
I got on a blue sweater over my sleeping wear to hide my wrists and opened the door. I sighed. "Good morning, Phil." I greeted him, forcing a slight smile on my face.
Phil giggled. God, that was the most amazing thing about him. His laughs are just the liveliest you'd ever hear. "Morning, Dan. I thought it was too late for coffee, so s-sorry if I didn't make you any." he said nervously.
"Don't worry about it, Phil. I think it's too late, too. Literally every morning I wake up and I never have coffee because I sleep in too late." I ruffled his smooth, black hair and walked off. My heart racing just thinking about Phil, I hurried off to the living room to play video games.
Something weird is going on with Dan. He seems to have lost some of his confidence and can't have a normal conversation with me much anymore. It's like...he's shying away from me...I wonder why...?
Confused, I walked out into the living room, hearing Dan throw his fits of anger when he lost a life in his video game. "Dan?" I asked.
Dan squeaked and jumped out of his seat. "Bloody hell, man! You scared the shit out of me!" he exclaimed. He blushed and looked back to the TV, turning it off with the remote. "Yes, Phil?" he replied.
I have to admit, that squeak was pretty adorable. It was nice to see him smile again. I put my hands behind my back and leaned from foot to foot, awkwardly. "Uhm, i-if you don't mind, I want to have a chat. You know…j-just to see what's…going on with you. I'm kind of….worried." I said, looking at the floor. Looking back up again after a while, Dan still hadn't said anything. He just kept awkwardly pulling up his sweater sleeves. Wait….
…pulling them up?
Oh my god.
This time, it was my turn to be the emotion-seeker. I lunged at Dan, making him drop the Xbox controller and yelp, and pinned his wrists to the couch. "What the-….gaaah!" With me on top of him, he struggled to get free, but he wouldn't budge.
"Tell me, Dan," I asked, keeping my face stern.
He was breathing heavily, fear struck his face.
I was very serious, a low volume controlled my usually high voice. "Tell me what you've been doing to yourself."
Dan looked around the room, as if looking for something to grab. He struggled once more. With no luck, he sighed, and a single tear ran down his tan face. "I-I….nothing. Nothing at all," he said finally, his voice turning shaky, his bottom lip quivering. He turned his head away. "I'm….f-fine…" suddenly, just like that, he started to cry. He was sobbing, his broken, stuttering, uneasy voice making my heart break. I let go of his wrists and he sat up, quickly hiding his face in his hands.
I scooted over to him and hugged him. Immediately, as if he was expecting it, he buried his face into my chest, crying like a maniac. God, this tore my heart apart. I never want to him him sad. I just love it when he smiles.
"Dan…please," I said after a long while of sobbing. He looked up, but then looked back down again quickly. I sighed. "Tell me what you've done." I paused, waiting for something to happen, but nothing did. "I-I….I promise I won't get angry. I'd never do that to you." I confessed.
Dan stopped crying, a little sniffle here and there whilst I sat in wait for a response. Finally, after a good two minutes, he sat up. I was left with a stained shirt and a broken heart.
"Phil….I…." It was almost as if he couldn't get the words out. He was catatonic, unable to move his lips. As scared and broken hearted as he was, he put his head down, lifted his left arm and pulled down the sleeve, and I've had it.
Rows and rows of cuts along his wrist were brought red, some even turned brown and white from how old they were. some looked like they were even from last night. He lifted his right arm and pulled down that sleeve and that was even worse. I knew Dan was a lefty, so it'd make sense there were more cuts on his right arm. There were ones so deep, they were twice as long and wide as the others.
I stopped everything I was doing, speechlessly staring at Dan's wrists. The wall between being happy and being sad was finally broken when complete sympathy rushed over me. I was shocked. "D-Dan…." I started to cry. "W-W…..Why did you…" Trying not to be a wimp, I hugged Dan again. I failed miserably. It only took a few moments before both of us were crying.
There was ten minutes of just sitting there, getting all of our regrets out, all of our sadness, apologies, forgiveness, and most of all, friendship. We let it all out. Our sorrow and sobbing turned into words, over and over saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…." until we ran out of breath. Every tear shed was another dose of sorrow, sinking into our skin like it was quick sand. All of it, all of it, had been let out in simple tears. We both knew what each of us were saying and we knew how to reply.
I should've been checking on Dan more. I should've spent more time with him. I should've been more thoughtful, like a true friend should be.
I should've been there. All of this time.
It's all my fault.
"Phil….I have s-something else to say." Dan said.
I immediately looked up, eager to hear what he needs. I'm going to do a lot more for him. I want to be there for him from now on. "Yeah, Dan?" I replied.
"I think it would be….the b-best time to say this," he continued. "Because after all of this…." he stopped fresh out of words. A look of pain washed across his face again. I couldn't help but wipe my tears away. "You might accept me…."
"Dan," I said. "I'll always accept you, no matter what. You're my best friend." I said. I was a bit nervous, but Dan looked at me with a slight smile on his face. He wiped some tears away.
"Well, I while ago…I decided that…I…"He continued. He gulped and sighed hard. "I think I may have a….little….uhm…crush on you, Phil," blushing, he looked down and twiddled his fingers in his lap. A nervous look on his face, he kept glancing up at my shocked expression once and a while, his happiness turning slowly into more sorrow with each peek.
W-What am I supposed to do now?! I….I like him as a friend. I told myself. I have to tell him. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm scared of the outcome. I'm still not sure whether I love him or not.
I wasn't sure whether i loved him or loved him as a friend. Those sweet cocoa eyes that just stare back at me, just the way he looks at me, just him in general....I....
I don't know how to feel about this. I'll just go for it and see what happened. I'm too scared to confess my love for him.
"Dan….I'm sorry…" I slowly started. "I….I like you as a friend." I started to cry a bit again. "I-I accept you for being gay, but…I'm not. I'm so sorry."
"W-What…." I whispered. My heart felt like it was sinking to the bottom of the ocean, moving slower and slower to the bottom with every second. My arms collapsed, and I got up. "I'm sorry too, Phil," I said and I ran off to my room and locked the door behind me.
I immediately sat down on the bed and took out the box under my mattress. That one thing I'm so addicted to I can't stop. I opened it, and there was a gleaming, rusty razor inside.
"Dan! Dan, no!" Phil yelled from outside, pounding and kicking the door like there was no tomorrow.
I can't do this anymore. No one will ever love me like Phil would.
I don't want anyone else.
I don't need anyone else.
I don't need anything anymore.
I stared at the gleaming piece of metal for a moment, distracted by the memories that flooded my head. I heard Phil's yelling and screaming and pounding at the door sand I knew that I was a nuisance to him. Starting to shed tears, I was about to put the razor into my wrist, when the knocking stopped.
"D-…..Dan…." I heard his cries of pain, not wanting to let me go. I heard the muffled sniffs and voice cracking whenever he took a breath. He sniffed again, "Please don't do this to me…" he sobbed heavily, and tears were streaming down my face too.
I pushed those thoughts away and took a deep breath. "You don't need me," I said, then slid the razor deep into my wrist. I let out a loud yelp. It hurt like hell, but I bared with the pain. "Not anymore."
"D-Dan?" Phil cooed from the hallway. "Can….can I please….come in?" his voice cracked. Sniffing, he sobbed some more. "Dan…." he squeaked.
I sighed, trying not to cry, but that's exactly what I did. As I dug the warm metal deep into my skin again, I thought about Phil.
"A-Aah!" I whined a bit, but continued. Over and over again I slid the thin razor through my delicate body, slicing everything it it's path.
Phil….oh god, Phil. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know…..I know you hate me. You hate me because I'm a huge emo faggot. …God, bloody hell. I love you Phil. I've always fantasized about you loving me back, but I guess that will never happen, will it? ….You….You know…..I'd do anything for you, Phil. I w-wanted to to anything I could to help you. I guess I was a bit too shy. You make me shiver all over. I 've swooned over you too many times to count, your voice…..your voice is too cute.
You won't hear me on this, Phil….I'm dying…..but….I want you to know….I love you. Even though you….denied me…..I'll never stop. I-I don't even know….why I love you. I just do.
Forgive me, but I have to go now. I…..I hope…you understand.
As I lay on the floor, my blood soaking the soft carpet floor beneath me, my vision started to get blurry. I heard Phil's catatonic screams behind my door and I started to cry again. I was slipping away.
Suddenly, a loud noise and a door falling woke me from my temporary slumber.
There was Phil. He stood there, hands covering his mouth, his eyes puffy. He opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't. The words wouldn't come out. He fell to the ground, curling up in a fetal position. "D-Dan.." he finally got out. He tried again, but this time there was no success. He screamed. "N-No! Dan, why?!" he breathed heavily. "It's all my fault! I'm a c-coward! I should've said it sooner! It's all my fault! It's all my fault" Taking fast breaths between each yell, he got up and sat beside me, staring into my eyes.
I couldn't move anymore, my limbs were going numb. I tried to speak, but I couldn't move my mouth. I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength anymore. Instead, out of pure sadness, I sobbed once again. I wanted to say so much to Phil before I slipped away, but my body said no.
I knew it wasn't my time to die, but I've already done enough damage; there's no coming back now. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I should've let Phil comfort me, let him hold me in his feeble arms. I cried some more, trying to move my head to look at Phil.
My vision was becoming whiter and whiter. I struggled to stay alive, but there was no use. I was dying.
As I heard Phil's horrified screams getting seemingly farther and farther away, I looked up at the ceiling, the light trying to get through to my eyes. My heartbeat was starting to slow. Scared, I struggled to breathe faster, but there was no use.
"I-I…." I heard Phil say. I struggled to stay awake a little longer to hear what he had to say.
"I'm sorry, Dan…" he choked out. "I-I….I love….I love you."
When I heard those words, my whole body froze. Inside of my mind, I screamed. I couldn't move, but I did try.
It was like a dream. One of those dreams where you know you're sleeping but you try to talk to the outside world? Exactly. I was talking, but my lips weren't moving.
"Wait! No! I love you too! Wait! Please, stop!" I yelled. I wasn't talking. He couldn't hear me. I had no more feeling, I was too hopeless. Too sad to function anymore.
I didn't get a chance to reply.